Life in a Rear view mirror ..

TWO minutes ...

2011-08-20T21:11:00.002+05:30

Every single moment in love without the lover passes like an unbearable age without a name and every hour with the lover seems to pass like the flash of a thunder that u can’t even feel it to be passing. Time does frame a good moment and when the time is only 2 minutes, it can get imbibed indelibly deeper and longer ...

That’s all I had; just 2 minutes to see the love of my life and that too on a moving train. It was the August 15 the day of our independence that was the same day when some of the founding fathers of this nation had declared us to be free, that eventually happens to be the less appreciated fact among the most because we are born free. There I was getting up at 5 AM on a rainy morning when the pouring rains were looking unstoppable. It all had started on 13^thAug when she told me about going home by the Swaraj Express and the next moment the thought that does the train pass through Delhi? and when?? Maybe we can meet up or something. But the surprise rang and the my city was a stop for just 2 MINUTES in its route. So there was the rush of the joy that a lovers soul feels anticipating the moments of an ensuing meet. I searched the internet and figured out the timings and planned a thing and the 2 minutes to come. The next day a Sunday was spent fidgeting. Even the dialogues in the movie and that blonde hair girl at the MC Donald’s couldn’t draw me out of the thoughts of that awaited moment. Suffering is the another self inflicted joy in love it at least helps us flavor every moment of this life and appreciate that living for something is better than just being a mobile load of flesh and blood . So we talked that night as was the ritual over the most mundane things and just people. This was the way it had been for the past 9 months and 4 days and every single moment of it was spent with the ecstasy and suffering that love extends to us .The love has a different craziness in which u are aware and conscious of everything that u do but u still like to see oneself and your social behaviour being drifting apart from rational .The stupidity seems sensible for I don’t know what reason.

The alarm that never got snoozed and just gave me the instant kick to get up and get running. I could still hear the drops of rain that made noises all night on my window .I had to get to the station and it was raining , I didn’t have an umbrella , the roads were flooded, the fickle chances of getting a rickshaw and the accessories of the troubles ; But that’s what I should have thought and that I was not . I was a lost lover and my thoughts could see only her and there was a fix in them .So I set out on the walk quite a long one and I was the stupid cat in the rains. I had a packet that had things and letters that carried the words that my soul owed to her. I was all so drenched in next 10 minutes and the water drops were slipping down my glasses and the sole option that i had was to get them off. Now I was soaked and I was at the station, desperately waiting for the train .There was no announcement system and the sole display on the platform was dead .So after some enquiries i knew the designated platform .But I was still in the rain that was now dripping down the open ends of my shirt. I called her up and figured out that train was a bit late, around 15 minutes. The wait was getting tougher. So I chose to get to one of the ends of the platform as I anticipated the her AC coach to halt on that side. The time was less and there were so many thoughts and words that i couldn’t gather and choose what to say and each one was reading its anxiousness to rush out of me. So the train arrived and the accompanying disaster happened; I had to run to the other end as the coach was the pen ultimate one. I made the run like every souls around me acting like the warriors in a mayhem . It was raining hard, I was on the phone and I started to feel breathless. Even at a distance she was out of sight. Summoning up the energy in me. I ran faster that I ever could except miracles , I was running for something that I felt my soul has waited for all the ages .Finally I saw her and I ran faster now. There she was, i was speechless, breathing fast and water dripping down my face could hardly add to my drenched miseries. The first word I said was “I Love You So much “; she looked at me and smiled and replied back , “ I love you “. I don’t remember when I handed over the packet, but I did. She said something that just was filling the voids in my soul. The train started moving and we had exhausted the 40 seconds of the meeting. Time was up and she was on the door. I held the bar on the door as the train was catching up speed. I repeated my words of love and i kissed her lips, the water on my face and her still expressions made it perfect .My soul was feeling the beauty and the pleasure of the moment that it had waited for ages .I got off as the train was moving faster now and I was running along the moving train looking in her eyes, her changing emotions of joys of the transient meeting and the consequential pain of separation. Had the time fixed in that moment would have gave up all the promised joys of a lifetime for it. Then the train proved faster than me and all i could see was her face fading in the distance and the pour of the rain drops that were washing my me and my helplessness with the hard breathing that took time to settle and I was for sure the most stupid incident in that place in that moment and crazy in love, but i guess that was not my thought ....finally the train was a matter of the red signal that was getting dimmer and dimmer with flow of time...

LAST WINDOW IN THE STREET

2010-10-28T22:53:00.000+05:30

It’s the time when the autumn had arrived with a ruffling muse, and the spring was like some acquainted blossom long awaited. The chill of the winter winds that felt like pricking fire on face, the radioactive summer sun burning out there. It all had passed in the same glass stage. It was how Fred knew his ever changing world around of which he felt a detached static part. The faded tint of glass added to his ubiquitous gloom that never settled. He could read the chaos of the world around in the silence of his perspective as it seemed. Everything was sound and orchestrated drawn out of some old, lost dullness. Fred saw people moving in random chasing their meaningless lives ,hunting the unknown desires and enslaving themselves to their culmination in all futility , predicting what could be , that never was and that he never had known .Fred was lonely ,but who isn’t at least everyone possesses a lonely moment .Life had different colors some years ago for Fred. He was hunting desires .Dreams that crashed and rose again like a phoenix. But now he was too tired to go for that all he ever thought of .He felt like a banished part of a society he ridiculed to himself more than often. He always felt too weak to adjudge his failures in the perspective of reason, he preferred self incurred silence. That was a dying out far outcry from a losing soul .But that is what being human is all about, not a definition of few proportions. Life is a faded illusion lost in a rush for all that is sure to break away, all that withers and becomes earth. The existence of the truth was never the motif nor did the breakaway thought that runs an insane mile of lost reason. What we see and what appears makes all the difference to all but few. What can buy the beauty of the moment that always eludes a famished soul, that traveled far and yearning for all that is never on offer here. Fred had drawn his bounds from a society he felt at helm of apocalypse the very next moment and himself a amputated part of it. What kept Fred pasted was the time after fall of dawn, the lights that lit afar and the sounds mingled in cacophony. But that‘s just another window in the street.

Everybody Hurts Everybody Cries

2010-04-04T09:34:00.002+05:30

First love is like a springs' bloom that has all colours in all shades and that never felt before freshness.it makes u crazy and humble , sleepless and lost , conscious in some out of space conscience .. how could i tell u that how happy it makes u to the inner horizons of ones heart. i lost all my reason and rationality to a very simple and a beautiful thought of love . i was not the same anymore and everything around me had changed in a flash of a moment.And the best part of it all was the realization of being loved and thinking every moment that how i could love her more and deeper to new fathoms of it. talking to her looked as being under a hypnotic spell , being in a dream, all desires just poured out into existence ......
i had never lived a better life before and i never wanted to think beyond it anymore.my cellphone was my God , who made me aware that my heart lies elsewhere.all she said appeared as honey pouring in to my ears...i was deaf and dumb to the silence of people around me. i was drawn into a desired insanity......i started a dream and handed it over to her to hold it tight, that she did better than i could have thought.i lived that dream with her and was there to see my dream gasping for a breath of hope and finally dying in my arms..... more i knew her ..lesser aware i felt of beauty and love. every moment was like prize of a lifetime...And then there was the next step forward .. i met her on a golden day ...under a silver cloud ... ohhh.. she looked like goddess of beauty clad in simplicity walking towards me to make me numb with a life lasting touch that left its indelible imprints on my soul....then that cup of coffee looked like a sea that i was sipping on and being lost in her eyes ....it really felt that words are too transient to say what heart has to ..and a simple touch of her glance told me the whole story that i had lived for till now in the very silence ...... and then came the time when i went out in sun with her ... the sunshine was no more soothing but was so acrid that it burned my dream and i blindly crushed it under
my feet that were heavy with a burden of responsibility and some practical sense sprouting out of nowhere ... she got scared of it ..she cried for me to hold her and protect her .. but all i could do was to stand there and not move because my ground was swampy with my past
and was gobbling me up by every inch of it ..... then she left with all but tears and a crashed dream in her hands ... and i was as mute as ever to her cries that squeezed my heart but couldn't move my body ....
i lost everything in that very moment .. every bit of my beautiful life that her love had promised me ... now her pain agonizes me more ..and being sorry appears as my own lasting guilt and it draws out every single fear inside me of living a lonely life lost in a cacophony of fake complacency ... all i want her is to discover happiness outside of me and for me there are still a lot of thoughts entangled in pain that seems immortal ... why is life a suffering when u have nothing to suffer for ? why we feel pain when there lies a dead heart inside ........
maybe some questions are made to be questions only; that never meet answers ...

A PACK OF THOUSAND DESIRES ...

2009-06-20T11:55:00.000+05:30

Life is all but a picture perfect mess spread out on a platter at first glance for some. More close perceptions of morons would be to call it as a symphony of satisfactions, minute achievements and dreams crashed against walls of reality.And all these floating in a chaos so ubiquitous for all surving souls. A very powerful force driving our lives is called as the desire . We live as we desire. Imagine a life free from desires, a life free from everything material , and even actions and no fear from pain or existence . But a simple thing to conclude from all this would be that in some way or other our sufferings are a consequece of our desires. Then why do we desire in very first place itself and why are we slave to our very own desires ???.... question hangs there ....
life is all but a pack of thousand desires like a pack of royal cigarettes all well stacked in the grandeur of a golden case and looks more than appealing to eye of a athrist. Every smoke in it a promise ticket to heaven and liberating all that lies cramped in us . Every puff is a kiss of angel . But on the back of the same pack in damn dull letters is a warning that " smoking kills " quite much like failed dreams extending us into pain and sufferings. But does that change anything ?? ... NO ...bloody NO ... we still dream and live with every smoke that goes deep into us because we are addicted .... critically addicted to its call of death and the moments of undefined and infinite pleasure it leads to and that frames our lives.. so live to dream and dream a life .....

Eternal Sunshine on Truth & Fiction

2009-05-11T23:20:00.000+05:30

What is truth and what defines fiction in itself starts a discovery into the black and white of reality . we all profess to be the ardent believers intruth and thought that give truth its real meaning . But there is one question that denies to be shadowed by all this is that WHY DOES FICTION EVEN EXIST IN OUR DIMESNSIONS OF THOUGHT IN SO UNINVITED WAY ????.....

A simple answer to this dilemma of rationale thinking comes from ourselves . The only reason for fiction being around is that fiction always makes sense and truth is unbounded by sense and on the brink of nonsense sometimes . That's why truth is so stranger than fiction, because our outlook at truth is so superficial that we never see the layers below. We never get the poise in us to think and introspect the fact of it all. Although reason might be our food for thought ...but we munch on fast foods .Its only sastisfies in shape we get it in ....Rest none is interseted to dive deep below to really look and experience the rawness of truth as it exists and it really needs the processing of mind that is not closed to options because sometimes making sense really makes things loose their meaning and that's where our world of fiction is defined ...... Fiction gives our thoughts the liberty to roam and fly in space and existence . But truth always makes us tread on the grounds of reality where things are not as of belief and reasons & are unending not enough to be enclosed in box of thought and knowledge.....that makes ignorance a bliss for us ...

Its like covering your eyes with coloured glasses that show you everthing in the colours you want to and believe your imaginations as they drag u farther and farther into lost reason and give u some space to lay your rationale to sleep. But we flunk to come out of all this as this only whirls us deeper and farther. All we are left with is a false complacency that just feeds our ego and starves our souls ........

But still we all justify this by the fact that we all are human , to err is human, incompleteness of human minds and our retarded senses that always keep us in illusions and blah..blah .... reasons never meet an end .....and neither do imagintions .....

we are all so chained to ourselves and cant set ourselves free from all this... untill we shatter this belief that things can't be in the shape as we wish them to be ...But a world beyond that exists too ..for that all we need to do is just to cross the wall that divides truth and fiction and

let ourselves face the sunshine ...

Freaky Chakra ......

2009-04-13T22:06:00.000+05:30

In the stream of reason I flow;

But where I head, I never know……..

Lonely traveler in deserts of insanity out to discover reason close to rationale after crossing bounds of imagination and conscience..That’s where I am …..

In how many measures I have lived my life??? It always keeps ringing in my head. I feel like coming from a way far distant direction that makes me falter and incapacitated to recognize even if I glance back . I feel empty handed surrounded by a silent emptiness and lonely like a rolling stone on a river bed gathering no moss . Only thing that I have accomplished through all these times is to have rolled between circumstances for reasons undefined and among people I always try to understand. But analyzing and introspecting my life in portions with a comparative degree, I find it to be all so static and me spinning in a chakra and at the centre of it lies my fake existence. Nothing has really ever met some change in me . And if I have moved in any dimensions , then i don’t know which at times makes me feel frustrated and lost . My barriers of patience and perseverance seem to be developing cracks that will not conceal any longer .

My pain seems to subside in moments of faux pleasure that fade away sooner than they come like illusions and when they depart , I feel hell becoming worse for me every other time. Will I come out of it or will my whole life pass in revolutions i will never know. But life moves like a river and I still have times to see and distances to keep till this chakra is no more freaky …..

And It Rained.....

2009-04-06T20:33:00.000+05:30

Today it rained again.By again I don't mean that it rained after succession of a smaller interval in between.But it rained quite like it always does in this place . Sun disappeared ,all clouds from horizon gathered on the sky , winds started to blow high, and thunders roared .But this time it surely was different in the way that the emotions it spurted in me .The earthly smell just after first drops of rain touches ground was not the same , it was much sweeter and mellow . The clouds gathered much like in a similar way taking away the light and making nature dressed like early dawn and creepy silence prevailing all over and a deep gloom enticing the mood .Clouds roared with anger and lightning flashed all over with an enormous intensity . It was like dance of death on nature's part. All this reminded me of the time when I as a kid used to get frightened with thunder storms and would cuddle up in my mother's lap .But now I feel all alone and along with it is a mixed emotion of being departed from something I have stayed close to through all these years . Maybe not much has changed besides my sensibilities and understanding .

But it still rains as if it's never gonna rain again for me . In some time I will be away from this place , this serenity , boundless beauty and ubiquitous peace that has been a part of me through this small part of my life .I can hear the nature communicating to me in the ways as cold breeze blowing with drizzle and the sounds of water drops filling a puddle . Its all so sound and calm . nothing can describe it in totality . I feel so incomplete and at times replete with my understanding of it all.More I know it more I feel lost but connected to it somewhere ; where my strands are tied fast .But end is the initiation of a new start that's all more bleary for me right now . But somewhere and at sometime change will cover it all up . But this thing is not subjected to loss ,and a deeply unconsotred part of me.

And now rains are gone and there prevails a silence in the accumulated drops of rain suggesting a new begining of a new day and time that holds promise. With it I feel moving to a new emotion of solitude and silence .... " how beautiful is this rain ", the thought vacillates in my conscious bringing new emotions unseen ..." And It Rained"

Losing My Illusion ......

2009-03-21T21:15:00.000+05:30

" As i open my eyes I fail , I fail to realise the place I am in ....Its all so different and i dont recognize anything and relate to anything that i have been living with ... How have I came here ??..or am I a part of a dream that never breaks ....I feel my head to be spining like a top.. all thoughts are in collision ..my perceptions and my classifications of reality are all so shattered and scattered so varied ..I cant remember anything .Am I dead ??? " ......

Maybe my illusion has just faded away ... I realise after i diverge from a long slumber into reality ...but in between I feel to have switched my lives from a thing so fake to a barren reality ...but all this has happened to me without any of my senses reading it .... or maybe I was so addicted to it that I never wanted to wake or end it . But now I have it not by choice but by fate that shapes my karma .This might seem so irresponsible of me ....But somewhere in some proportions this is a part of the story and I have to read it ...I have lost what I wanted to have what was mine ..Mydreams , my pleasures, my senses all so doped and numb to reality .. now I feel lifeless .But,the things are quite clear and I am all so unsure about my reactions .Maybe my karma has just made all of it to fade away . It wasnt mine ,I wasnt a part of it and even when I have departed from it nothing reamains. It made me see, listen and read as I wanted ,I was all so slave to my own desires .It was such a long dream that I forgot my trance . But all I have now is real ,staic and inevitable truth .

Maybe we all are in a state of dreaming where our desires drive us .We don't live the real but all that's fictitious and faux of something so close to ideal. Maybe facing reality brings us our sufferings and pain . But pain is as real as existence and God and its another face of desire. Its pure in essence and so indifferent . U can't acknowledge it until u never have an assemblage with it .

But after my dream is over I see things too close and real .There is suffering and there is pain and all because I never accepted it to be a part of my self and existence . I don't know what I have to do .what I have to follow ,I have lost my beliefs and Gods and my false goals . There is silence till eternity and it prevails .In between I try to find my way through a desert where all directions meet horizon .How will I ??... Can I go to the unseen ends or maybe I will loose it in between or maybe my illusion was till now and here .And here I stand alone....it's all after I "LOST MY ILLUSION"...........

Explorations of Beauty and Decay

2009-03-07T11:57:00.000+05:30

“There is no Beauty without decay “ we all are addicted to beauty in some measures howsoever small or infinite because somewhere we are dosed with concepts of decay... Beauty is all in mind that has a separate small corner for all that’s humble and simple…

We like things to be complex to comprehend ….as we want a reason to pass our lives some way or the other. It’s such an infinite emotion arising out that just makes our lives seem so miserable and we so incomplete.It has a power to give us a sense of high that we might seek for a lifetime and still find it so elusive … ohh.. How terrible this life is and at the end of it are our experiences that make us even worse and vulnerable to our shallow outlooks. Are we scared or are we too superficial in our judgments??.. Is a question that is answerless unless we shrug off our insecurities and fears that are so deeply seeped into ourselves since times we attain a power of judgment and reason that we give a name of rationality... So defined and so confused for our own minds. What’s good and what’s bad is as perfect a matter of argument as two shores at end of a river called reason. We will never reach ends nor will we be able to find a resolve for the argument as long as we are in middle of it all... And we; searching for answers popping in our minds that unendingly transform with a randomness of order undefined in bounds of time.

It’s a question unanswered by a recluse or a man of finite faculties... More we get into it more it draws us in with a greater attraction … but all that’s simple is beautiful and all that’s beautiful is not immortal till infinity, is the fact of it all … it can only be found in transience of words and eternity of silence till we pass our lives with a complacency that’s so fake but for real keeps us alive with a hope ... but we are all so wretched in our minds to see only the face of beauty and snub the reality of decay that’s so innate and so true in itself … but a concerted brace of both makes them a truth that we all can’t see as we are so superficial in our perceptions… “Man is all but a sack of miseries”…..

Perfect ME......

2008-11-15T10:56:00.000+05:30

narcissistic !!!!
how many time have i tagged myself as one ..quit often i think..its because of my search for perfection in my acts,ideas,and appearances... what i think for it is that this instinct arises as we live lives of comparison . we tend to see everything with a probe of comparative degree. we live to compete as its struggle for social existence . we always try to satiate our egos and desires with a magnified reflection of ourselves. many times i have introspected on the truth of what i am and what i think i should be ,its quite complicated in its essence and quite disturbing at times to agree
the truth of oneself . Appreciation for the ideas of other arises of our inner self as we in some proportions howsoever small try to discover a part of it in ourselves.and being social makes us only more vulnerable to all these realities. i myself think of many things i have not and i am not . it brings a feeling of discontentment towards quality of life in me .

but after all these years of struggle within, i have found a solution for this ... quite a workable on .... its based on the acceptance of the truth that everything in me and connected to me falls in two categories .. one that i can't change and the other that i can change .. first one includes things like relations, identity,appearance,instincts that are deeply planted inside of me . but the other part of the things always shape up under influence of my acts and ideas. so i always think thats its good for me to work on things that i can change rather than pondering on the things that are static in respect of changes made by me .so the moral of it all is that all things can't modified in life but , a few that can be can really make a difference to make u a cut apart from others ....

Nameless in A Lost Paradise.

2008-11-15T10:49:00.000+05:30

Who am i ???
I am a soul which has lost its identity and is dying every moment like a tree whose roots have been cut . i am a kashmiri pandit and my identity has faded in the mist of exodus from my homeland . Though my memories of being in Kashmir are only a part of my childhood as a toddler in my mothers lap getting first glances of the world around me .After that the other things that follow are quite disturbing for me and that i try to forget every time someone talks about my identity . If i observe myself , i would find myself to be a refugee in my own country .I have home but ,i can't live in it , i have my my own ground but i can't feel it under my feet that have become numb after all these years of my run for a home and a living . I don't understand any religious extremism ,jihad and difference in teachings of Islam and Hinduism but , i do understand the suffering that people have to go with who understand or are a part of the concept itself .my language and my culture is not in a state of fusion but degradation that the new generation will not inherit but will only have it as a part of their legacies. Though i would say all of us were good to adapt in different places and situations but at a cost and the cost is that we are not the same as we were. we are lost and confused in our own land.we have only been left as an epitome of suffering for others. Governments and leaders have played around us quite silently and what we have from them are false promises that makes our homeland look like el-Dorado.
We have pain and cries buried under the rubble of our shattered existence and it can't come out . now my own identity makes me alien among my own countrymen and i try to hide my feelings and frustrations in a veil of complacency that only seems to exist but isn't there actually . i try to make my own way out in my life with a soul that feels homeless and nameless . i don't wish to go back home because it isn't there , what exists there is only ruins of my existence and and air around there polluted with poison of religious extremism and fanaticism. but the problem is not that i have lost my home but , i will never find my new home and till then my identity will have a tag of refugee . this problem has no solution in present context and if it is there it needs time for ideologies to change, but till the change occurs i might find my clan alongside Mayans and Incas "people of the lost world" .....